New Beginnings...again!
Well I
think this is my third attempt at starting a blog! One just after Riley, my son
was born (he’s now three – oops!), another just before my wedding – I planned
to go through all of my wedding preparation and how it happened on the day (that was 9 months ago now!). That was the previous post on this blog. Well I made one, sometimes two blog
entries on each and then gave up as I always feel there is nothing exciting to
talk about in my life. I am pretty boring!
My little family - Kevin, Riley and Me on our wedding day - photo credit - James Solly
Being
completely honest, my career takes up a lot of my time, and this is probably
why I feel like I am boring. I very recently secured a promotion. Funnily
enough I did feel the job I was doing previous was very similar to the one I
was gaining, however, I really under-estimated the responsibility that had now
been thrown at me! I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard, or such long hours
in my life before and still feel like I’m drowning. I really HATE not being good at something, I can’t stand feeling like I’m failing, these
are the only two things I have felt since moving into this role! Which my
manager did warn me about, and warned me that the role I was moving into
wouldn’t be easy, and would have me questioning “What the hell have I done?!”
two months into the job role change. She was right for sure!
Well last month after a late night heart to heart with my manager I’ve realised that
when I start feeling out of depth and start to panic, I revert to a default
state of CONTROL. Yup you heard me, I am
a control freak! Understanding this has made me realise the reason I struggle
is because I hate letting control go. I now have a small team of two, about to
become three people, and honestly, as much as I know they are brilliant people,
I stupidly don’t want to hand over things to them to deliver as I panic it
won’t go the way it should. When I say should, I mean the way I see it in my
head, which almost never happens
Taking
another step back, I also realise that this crazy control freak side of me is
not just in my work life either. I am a total control freak in my home life too.
Bless my long enduring husband. I meticulously plan everything out in our
lives. From when we moved in, when we would get married, when we can buy our first house, the holidays we will take and when. Heck when we took our last holiday to Las Vegas four years ago I mapped out everything with times,
where we would eat, how much we would need for each meal. Some (me) may argue
this is sensible, and others (Kevin) will tell you this is ridiculous and you
need to be spontaneous. Me and Kev are complete polar opposites when it comes
to our outlook on life. Everything I do is thought out and planned in my head
(and sometimes even Microsoft Project) before it happens.
When these
plans don’t come to fruition that’s when I panic more and create recovery plans
and don’t let anyone else touch anything!
One thing
that is guaranteed with a child is that nothing ever goes to plan! Take tonight
for example. Lovingly prepared healthy meal for dinner. Nice tasty chicken
salad wrap. Plated with a side of peppers which he has never turned down
before.
Riley: “Nope mummy, not eating that.”
Mummy: “Why Riley, its tasty? Look I’m eating it
too!”
Riley: “I don’t want it!”
Mummy: “Mummy made it specially for you. You like
peppers.”
Riley: “I already eat peppers at nursery. I don’t
want them at home. I want a plain wrap”
Laura: “Please just try it Riley!”
Riley: “I don’t like it mum.”
Mummy: “How do you know if you haven’t even tried?!”
I
eventually caved in and gave him a plan wrap. In my mothering life I’ve
realised you have to pick and choose your fights. Some are just not worth
getting upset over. This was one of them, despite his dinner getting chucked in
the bin.
The untouched filled wrap!
Dinner time
in this house is always a nightmare. Ever since he stopped having his dinner
for nursery (a whole year ago!) he hasn’t eaten dinner properly at home. I’ve
lost count of the things I’ve tried. Letting him help make it, giving him a
decision between two meals, sitting at the dinner table until he has eaten it,
his own special table, his own table matt with his name on, own cups plates and
special cutlery. So many different things. A couple of things would work for a
day or two, then he would revert back to normal. So now all I can do is give
him his plate of chicken nuggets and sausage rolls and let him decide to eat
only one thing off it. Yes, my child has a shit diet. If he didn’t eat fruit and
some veg till it came out his ears I would be worried. His nursery provides
brilliant nutritious meals so I know he doesn’t miss out on vitamins. I try to
live by the inverted triangle law for his meals now, nice healthy
filling breakfast, a fairly big lunch and a small dinner, with a bit of supper
before bed. It works for us, for now anyway!
Planning
and needing to be in control of everything is just not worth it. The amount of
stress in both my professional and personal life causes is crazy. I’ve had
a long hard talk with myself and am really now trying super hard to stop
focusing on these things – after all, how can you ever have any fun in life if
you always know what’s coming round that corner, and if it isn't what you expect – why waste
time planning how to get it back on track. Somethings in life are better left
to being a surprise!
